


did you lose yourself?

by IneffableInsomniac



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: A little, Angst, Autistic Spencer Reid, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s04e07 Memoriam, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Episode: s04e07 Memoriam, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad Spencer Reid, Spencer Reid Angst, Spencer Reid Whump, Trauma, haha just kidding..., i want to be very clear that this is not lighthearted or fluffy, not sure why the cm fandom likes to hurt The Boy so much but., this is a self-indulgent vent fic make no mistakes, unless?, what if i. give reid my exact trauma. and then make morgan comfort him. as a stand in for me, writing is cheaper than therapy, yes i am projecting. leave me Alone, you could interpret this as moreid but it's not written as romantic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 14:48:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28726875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IneffableInsomniac/pseuds/IneffableInsomniac
Summary: it's always in the last place you'd check.on the plane home from vegas, reid opens up to morgan about something he realized during the case.trigger warning for non-graphic mentions of past child sexual abuse - nothing out of the ordinary for the source material.title from 2012 by will wood and the tapeworms.
Relationships: Derek Morgan & Spencer Reid
Comments: 3
Kudos: 106





	did you lose yourself?

**Author's Note:**

> once again - this fic contains mentions of child sexual abuse. if this is a triggering topic for you, don't read any further.

“Morgan, can I talk to you about something?”

Morgan, who’s been dozing off for the past few minutes, sits up. Rossi’s asleep, and from the volume of Reid’s voice, he seems to want it to stay that way.

“Sure, kid, what’s up?”

“I, uh. I wanted to talk to you about- well, that’s not quite. It’s not that I _want_ to talk about it, exactly, but you’re the only person on the team, at least as far as I _know_ , that-"

“Reid.”

“Right, sorry, uh.” Spencer takes a breath, steeling himself, and speaks quickly with his eyes trained on a spot somewhere over Derek’s left shoulder. “Well, you know how Lou Jenkins killed Gary Michaels when my mother told him that Michaels was approaching me and might have killed Riley. But I- I don’t think, uh. Lou didn’t get to him before he could… offend again, like they thought.”

When the meaning of the words pieces itself together in Morgan’s mind, his eyes widen in some combination of shock and horror. Reid, who’s been teetering on the edge of dissociation for hours, is just lucid enough to register the emotion and start backpedaling. “It’s not that bad, I mean, I didn’t- he never did, y’know, anything like _that_ , didn’t go that far, but I just- the memories came back while we were working the case, but I didn’t want anybody to know, and they could be false memories anyways, I mean, you know about hypnotherapy-"

“Reid.”

This time, Spencer actually stops, his gaze shifting until he’s looking approximately at Derek’s face.

“I believe you.”

Reid relaxes visibly at the words. “Okay, that’s- alright. I just, uh, I didn’t want to talk to someone who didn’t, y’know.” A pause as he searches for the words, something that Dr. Spencer Reid doesn’t have to do often. “I needed to talk to someone who wouldn’t see it like a case.”

Derek nods solemnly. Carl Buford, the man who haunted his memories and who he’d finally put away. “This is gonna sound like a meaningless sentiment, but I- I get it. Kind of. I could never tell my momma about what happened. I still feel terrible that she knows now. She-" He clears his throat, determined not to tear up. “As a kid, I knew that if she found out, she’d blame herself for not noticing, not protecting me. So I kept quiet.”

Spencer’s eyes are hazy and unfocused, having drifted down to stare at the pen he’s apparently disassembled in his lap. He’s always had a habit of taking things apart like this, to the point that the stimming behavior has become second nature.

“I- yeah. It came back to me when we talked about the chess in the park. Didn’t want either of my parents to find out.” It still feels strange, referring to his parents. Plural. A dry, sad laugh. “Downside to an eidetic memory. Now that it isn’t repressed, I’m never gonna be able to forget-“ His tone of neutral cynicism is broken as Reid bites back a sob.

Morgan carefully places a hand on his shoulder, running his thumb back and forth in an attempt at soothing Reid. “Shh, it’s alright. Take your time.”

Between hitching gasps and sniffles, Reid manages to get out a few words. “I- I shouldn’t even feel this bad! He’s dead, so why am I-“

Derek’s tone is calm, firm. “None of that. Trauma isn’t logical. You of all people know that, doctor.”

Reid quickly brings his emotions back under control, a masking trick he learned in the public schools of Las Vegas. “I know. It just- shit like this looks pretty different from the inside, huh?” He sighs, and leans over to rest his head on Morgan’s shoulder. In response, Morgan puts his arm around Reid, anchoring him to reality with the pressure.

“I know, kid. I know.”

**Author's Note:**

> alright i generally don't write much in the way of sensitive topics but this idea popped into my head after i watched "memoriam" and i had to write it. criminal minds is tough for me to watch sometimes because of all the sexual assault and abuse present in it, especially towards children, and i guess this is my way of processing some emotions that the show has brought to the surface. it was also a little bit of a challenge to write this fic without using the m-word since i physically cannot type it out, but. i digress.
> 
> if you've been assaulted, the national sexual assault hotline is 1-800-656-4673. stay safe. <3


End file.
